Dream of Echoes...

Post full of poetry...(poetry section)

2006-06-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

UNTITLED# 31

Talking does not justify

The lie we keep inside,

Run around in circles chasing,

What we cannot seem to hide.

A promise cannot be broken,

With words only we can hear,

But this promise only works for one,

While the other is in tears.

And all the while a lie is forming,

And the secrets getting way too deep,

Soon the fear is over taking,

What we cannot seem to keep.

Falling down in theory,

While minds race to find rationality,

But nothing that has happened,

Fits into this reality.

A PROMISE

The only thing promised in this life is death

Life never promised to be fair

I can see your in pain with every breath

No matter what I will always be there

How do you carry on?How can you be so strong?

When a loss like yours

Seems so unjust and so wrong

I'm here for you to lean your weight

To catch you when you fall

I won't let you be comsumed by hate

When you need a superman just call

But when I place my feet in your shoes

It just seems to hard to chew

But as life promises death to me and you

I promise to see you again too.

TO WHAT HAVE NEVER BEEN

What prayer could I pray to have never been?

What lie would I lie to take back each sin?

Who would I turn to, what would I say,

will I want to remember what I felt today?

Why did this happen to me and to you?

What dream did I dream that will never come true?

When did you leave here, why did you go,

how could you expect me to already know?

Why should I live when you gave me no choice?

What laugh can I laugh when you've taken my voice?

Where did I lose you, why did you die,

What in this world, without wings, can fly?

Why do we mourn for the people who leave?

What love could I love when I continue to grieve?

Who will believe me, what can be said,

what feeling is felt in this feeling that's dead?

A Fantasy of Anywhere...

2006-05-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

Dreams will never end...

2006-04-25T23:37:00.000-07:00

I watch you as you stand there

With one motion you brush back your hair

Revealing your face to me

A face that any angel would envy

I admire you from a distance

Before i make my way across the room

Rehearsing all the lines in my head

Lost in your eyes i'll soon forget

The words will soon come back again

The moment you begin to walk away

A deep breath followed by a sigh

I thought i'd give it one last try

I said everything i wanted to say

In each and every possible way

And still she chose to walk away

I guess i'll live to love another day

I dont know what happened

We were together for so long
But i guess it was just the end
All i have left is the memories of you and me
My heart still aches from that time you left me
When i think about you
Or all the times we ever had
Tears always seem to pour
I try to stop it, i really do
I just dont know what to do
I try not to, i try to forget
But what can i do, im just still in love
I dont regret a thing we had
I cherish every last memory either good or bad
Maybe im just scared of making it the past
Maybe its a good thingMaybe it is the last
But one thing i know for sure
I loved you, i still do

My life was insane,
And it often still is.
But you wade right on in,
Taking the burden,
Trying to soften
The blow.
And things get so crazy,
And I'm out of control.
But you know how to soothe me,
And your patience is unearthly.
I can feel the speeding,
Starting to slow.
The nightmares get loud,
But you tell them to hush.
And I'm feeling neurotic,
But you give me a hug.
And you kiss me, And I know;
That there's bad dreams
And bad nights,
And bad days,
And bad thoughts,
Bad things happen,
To good people and bad people alike.

Then there's you

help me find...

2006-04-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

Piercing crystal eyes gazing down upon me
They are countless in their numbers
Feigning themselves as my guardians
How can the sky shine so bright when all I feel is pain?
Gleaming a thousand shattered memories that pierce my heart
Flickering skylight mocking my insecurities
The night is the time, Old scars find rebirth
The stars steal the mask, I cannot hide this
I wish I was all that you have searched for
I am a sheep in wolf's clothing The star I once wished on burned away
The sky is no longer limitless
I can finally see the boundaries
They will keep me ensnared I push my own boundaries and get nowhere
A shooting star soars everytime my gaze strays This beauty holds no hope for me
The sky is truly the limit I always look up when I am losing hope
Averting my eyes from reality
I befriend each star with my helpless glance
I beg of them for a sunrise lacking anguish
How will my composure hold as time erodes it?
Staring my foes in the face has begun to wear me
Screaming at my star realizing my worst fears I am to remain on the ground
I cannot retreat from this pain I can not fly from this misery
Iyah,Help me find the wings

the words i'll say to you...

2006-04-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

it has been a week now,and yet you still haven't dropped a word,or said anything at all. at least we had an informal conversation yesterday,but that's still not enough. i said we'll talk things over at a given time,but you weren't there. Please,tell me,is there something wrong? have i done anything at all? yeah,i know you have been very busy,and so am i.

I have a lot of questions to ask you,and a lot of things to say,that's why i waited for you for almost a week.

All i can say is,i can't wait more,that's why i'll just put it here for you to read.

what happened to you? you're gone for almost a week now,i'm just here to clear some things out.

i wanna know if there is really something going on between you and zenjo
i wanna hear from you that it's a joke.

and most specially,i wanna let you know that I LOVE you

it does not matter if you don't feel the same or not,all that matters to me is that you know it.

well,i won't be around for quite a while. hopefully `Iyah` and Apathy will be back together some time...

I make you read someting that comes straight from my mind,
Supposedly a cry for help, to which I bind,You didnt answer,
acting as though you were blind,Why?
Now its even harder for me to stand by...
Maybe you didnt know that poem was for you,
And believe me, I agree,
I shouldve told you,But I think it was obvious,
and that you knew,
I composed that poem just for you, yes its true...
Of course, Id love to just come up to you and say,
How much I like you, and how I think of you everyday,
But I cant, I convince myself its too cliche,
Who am I kidding, we both know its cause Im too shy to say...
I write a poem instead, hoping youll set me free,
I search hard for the words, and do my best to make them rhyme,
Please, look and see what youre doing to me,Just tell me,
is there a chance, or am I wasting my time...?

this isn't really a poem(technically) this is what i was trying to ask you for a long time.

where are you???

2006-04-13T02:49:00.000-07:00

for some time now,i have been delighted in the presence of someone i met in an online game. her name is `Iyah`. Its what every guy looks for,a hardcore gamer,what's more is,we both enjoy poetry.

Well,as i was saying,we have been chatting together,for some time now. and for that i have grown more attracted to her.

But for the past 3days,we haven't got in touch(even in the game itself).and now i don't know what to do. i'm worried sick right now. i really don't know what to do.

i have asked every friend we had online in that game,and they're also worried because she wasn't able to go online for some time now. Please,i hope you're safe there,and if there's something you want to say,tell it to me,you don't have to hide. Please,i'm really worried...

I MISS YOU!

testing!!

2005-12-24T04:23:00.000-08:00

These days are cold,and lonely without you...

2005-10-31T22:38:00.000-08:00

i can't still fucking think about what i did wrong? a couple of days ago,i composed a letter(or something) and gave it to michelle chua(my courtee) i thought i was finally going to be happy,but then i was wrong. i was too confident that i would get the answer that i wanted,and that fucked the hell out of me,real bad and because of that,i had NO FUCKING SLEEP for 4FUCKING DAYS... i keep on thinking,what have i done wrong? i mean,i gave her everything she wanted,the school even warned me,they say i'm too "PDA" because we'er always together and all.. wtf?!!!! wtf is wrong?!!!! since i am SOOOO disappointed on what happened,i'll just remain fucking quiet because they might think of some issues that might lead to BIG TROUBLE...

this is the actual letter i composed,and this was her answer...

I make you read someting that comes straight from my mind,
Supposedly a cry for help, to which I bind,
You didnt answer, acting as though you were blind,
Why? Now its even harder for me to stand by...
Maybe you didnt know that poem was for you,
And believe me, I agree, I shouldve told you,
But I think it was obvious, and that you knew,
I composed that poem just for you, yes its true...
Of course, Id love to just come up to you and say,
How much I like you, and how I think of you everyday,
But I cant, I convince myself its too cliche,
Who am I kidding, we both know its cause Im too shy to say...
I write a poem instead, hoping youll set me free,
I search hard for the words, and do my best to make them rhyme,
Please, look and see what youre doing to me,
Just tell me, is there a chance, or am I wasting my time...?

Michelle: u are wasting ur time.. nung una pa lang db sinabi ko na sau n WLA ME GUSTO SAU

at least she would've told me that earlier but she never said anything to me. now i may say that this is another time wasted and maybe i'd live to love another day.....

3 months of captivity,and yet i manage to break free!!!

2005-10-30T20:28:00.000-08:00

yes!!!! finally,i have come back again... for 3 months,i have been captive. i can't get out of it,but i managed to break free!!! as you see,i haven't updated much this couple of months,i am SOOOO busy,my schedule is so hectic that i can't find time to even get out of the house and rent a computer. yes,it is quite hard you know... i am now glad that i finally updated here...

so much happenings happened,so much depression has passed,but still i'm in one piece. friends have been met,some enemies fought,some faces smiled,some tears cried,and some times wasted....

i really missed everyone(friends only,f*ck off!!) so bad,i don't know how to contact them because i don't have my cellphone right now,plus i'm bankrupt... well,i'm almost time,i just want to say hi to some people i really miss a lot...namely:

jammy-my strawberry jam
khalid-my reflection
margarethe-milove(wahahahaha!)
and many more...

almost near,5 more faaaking days to go!!!

2005-07-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

yey! 5 more faaaking days to go before the end of the world!!!! no actually i'ts my birthday...but 5 more days to go... uhh,oh well..nothing to post here...i just hate the faaaking world... krizia,speak to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hi nikka uhh....nothing to say....

i'll just put one faaaking poem here...for you to read...

I watch you as you stand there
With one motion you brush back your hair
Revealing your face to me A face that any angel would envy
I admire you from a distance
Before i make my way across the room
Rehearsing all the lines in my head
Lost in your eyes i'll soon forget
The words will soon come back again
The moment you begin to walk away
A deep breath followed by a sigh
I thought i'd give it one last try
I said everything i wanted to say
In each and every possible way
And still she chose to walk away
I guess i'll live to love another day

this is actually for my bLackragDoLL,which is still not yeet found...where are you?!!! feel my presence..! please o wanna see you!!!!!!!!!!my friend doesn't want me,so i'm now looking for one... please speak to me...

Everybody Hates me,including MYSELF!!!

2005-07-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

i'm back..so far,nobody's bothering to sai hi or something...these are the times that i feel that everybody hates me,including myself...this is where i can only release all my anger and depression...now, i really know now that there's no TRUE people in this world...nobody bothers and cares about you...right??? like me,what can i do..? this is what i was made by god for, to be alone... and i can't do anything here... just LIVE... the countdown for the end of the world is in 10days... better be ready,pray for you faaaking souls and be happy for your lives fuckers!!!

I HATE ME!!! I HATE ME!!! I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!
I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!
I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!I HATE ME!!!
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I HATE ME!!! everybody hates me including myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

Seek me, Call me, i'll be waiting...

2005-07-14T04:00:00.000-07:00

i'm finally back... i've missed a lot this recent days posting entries here at my blog account... i was just faaaking busy.. yeah,being a graduating student is harder than i think... and it sucks that most of the time i'm doing those faaaking assignments that are soooo faaaaking long,speaking of which,i need to cram my freehand writing exercise from T.H.E TONIGHT!!! faaak it,i just can't rest my normal resting time,school's so FAAAKING BUSY!!! anyway,the countdown for the end of the world is coming in 12 days...hehe,just kidding

actually,my birthday is coming after 12days,i just said it's the end of the world because i wanted to.. hehehe
so much for that...

anyway,i promised my friend that i'll celebrate with her when my birthday comes...i just faaking hope that will happen...

beauty is sin...

2005-04-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

I know her
I must,
I have seen that face...
how can you forget it
that memory would never waste...

skin so smoothe...
to flawless for me to touch
to elegant for her wear
the perfection, just too much
the skin she's in...
beauty is sin!

I must help her
take her out of it
shed her like a snake
make her peel and crack and flake!
no one should look that good
NO ONE!

The skin she's in...
beauty is sin!

I should tie her down on baren land
let her burn in mid day sun
blister and sizzle like meat on a grill
untill she is over done
will she be so perfect still?

I could soak her in water for many a day
till her flesh gets so soft and water logged
it peels in layers right away...
maybe a file, no sand paper better yet
sand her down to nothing
make me forget!

the skin she's in...
beauty is sin!

Or I could take a razor
and slice the epidermis down
muscle tissue and veins
would turn around my frown

I want to do it for her own good
no one could be so perfect...
NO ONE should!!!

I have lived so many days
wishing my life in different ways
but have come to the conclusion
beauty is an illusion
I can take it of with a little elbow grease
and then my mind will be a peace.
Take away the skin she's in...
realease her from her beautiful sin!

just once of my newest poetry,though some of my friends have read this(i asked for reactions..) now is the time i ask for yours... :

2005-04-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

it's so nice to be back!!! finally,i'm finally free.! i was able to get out of the house alive...but the heat of the sun...scorching the skin...good thing it's really dark today... well anyway,i wanna apologize that i missed 2months and 3weeks without an entry here in my blog...i was having problems with money(i'm flat BROKE!!!!) well, this is april right? it's supposed to be like this,the heat,no money..plus you get the feeling of emptiness because sometimes you miss those few people that was a part of your school days..(do you get it???) anyway... a lot has changed today... (i don't know what changed here) but still...a lot has happened after the schooldays ended... well,enough about that...

here's a list of things i really missed after this schoolyear 2004-2005 ended... :
-the chosen people i call "friends"
-the daily 100peso allowance "baon"
-the flag ceremony...(don't ask)
-well,my chair with a face of a demon(well,i etched it under my desk..)
-pretty much everything,including krizia,my classmates(other) my friend's friend's friend's friend's.. :D
-lastly...my bLackragdoll(still haven't seen her yet....)

what a day...

2005-03-10T02:28:00.000-08:00

yes! i am finally back!! and i'm feeling enlightened,well..a little bit. what a day it is today... first off,while i was walking towards school.. i accidentally stood past by a little girl...and i can tell she was really scared... i just looked at her while i was walking along the way,after i walked past her..she cried and ran screaming, "Mommy !! si manong oH! nakakatakot yung mata,parang demonyo..." well,it's not my fault that people(i mean children) get scared from these eyes...it's just that,it's not my fault bacause i was born with special eyes like these...but still,well anyway...when i was about to go inside the school,i saw someone...(a girl to be specific) she sorta looks pale,and she was very distant... i can't see her eyes...and my goosebumps started to rise... i don't know what type of being that was,but still...it was scary... i don't know,it could be a ghost or something...after that i just went through the gates and finally got inside of the vicinity of the shchool... voluntarily,i took the lead from our flag ceremony...(grabe,hirap pala mag panata pag voluntary,nakakakaba...) as i stood up from the mini stage,i saw camille(dating crush ko,but i lost interest anymore kasi mukhang mataray...) i noticed her hair was cut...not like the last hair style she had...anyway,i felt more nervous because i can see her in front of me,so i just faced in the direction of my classmates and then started what i had to do...

afternoon : i happen to just stay outside our classroom(corridor that is) and i saw pretty kreezhia,yey! i saw her again?!!! *ehem!* well,i just did my routine,just stay there and stare at the sky,waiting for my bLackragdoll... it was then kenneth called me,at least smiling...then he told me "Ei,tinatanong ni krizia,kamusta ka na daw???" (tama bang mang-asar,grabe noH...) and then i just smiled... and laughed while i was about to go to my spot... and then after that...i just slpet,and slept and slept...oh,i just slept the whole afternoon of our class... hehe, 'stig!!

hwooh,minsan na lang ako maging masaya,and i hope it would never stop...oh yeah,krizia gave me the biggest complement of my life,yesterday evening(while i went there with the original aesma daeva cd) "wow,mukhang pumapayat ka na..." and "anlaki na ng pinagbago mo ah,di ka na malungkot tulad ng dati..and you're smiling now..." wow! yeah i did after she told me that,and it was the biggest complement of my life... hehe

'stig!!

judgement days...

2005-03-07T00:23:00.000-08:00

today is our examinations...(finally,some serious time to study and forget about my fucking problems)this is a good thing,you know..i won't have to concentrate on my problems,and start reviewing..it was the 1st day of our final exams earlier. Geometry is very easy,yes it was..(wow,progress!) Christian Ethics was kinda hard(a little bit,i did not review on this subject.) and finally,Social studies...well,on this subject(just no comments here) finally the class is over... even though i survived the first dy,doesn't mean that i can survive the others.. i went to my alma mater(IHMC) just to reflect.. and i got what i wanted there... i got my self-reflection...and came up with this one...

At school they act like they're the best.
But at home the are just so depressed.
I mean who do they think they are?
They act like their poo does not stink.
They need to rethink.
"Like oh my God im going to get a manicure"
It makes me sick
I mean i would rather be gothic.
Maybe if they werent so rudethe the so called "normals" might not get screwed.
they need a reality check..... i will just leave it at that.

well,was it good..? i don't know.. and finally...to krizia->thanks! you remembered me?!!! thanks again..goodluck. to Meggy and Drew-> i'll be away from the civilization of the "normals" like us,and krizia and a bunch of other "normal" people.. i need time to reflect to myself,you want me to grow up right? fine,i'll give you what you want..better change my attitude,right? i should stop being so stubborn,and whine about lots of things... finally,to MiA-> please take care of the notebook i gave you(full of my poetry) i want you to treasure it..and that's all

i'm feeling EMO today..

2005-03-02T03:08:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling EMO today,you know what..? i'm feeling depressed too! after seeing krizia with her new boyfriend,then after that...MiA with her partner... what will i do..? maybe i'm feeling bitter because i love both of them..? i love krizia,that's true,but i can't really express what i feel,because there's a lot of "obstacles",even walls...separating me away from her...plus the confidence...bagsak! what about the other one? same thing,i can't express what i feel to her too...i'm too shy to approach her...wahhh! tama ba yun??? i don't know what to do..? where will i start? all this dilemma makes my enmity grow more and more..put my enmity to rest please?! i wish i could gather all my courage to tell krizia,or MiA what i feel about them...i suck at socializing with others...it's really hard to be anti-social...well nothing left to say...

my world fell on me...

2005-03-01T02:35:00.000-08:00

my world fell on me again..this time it hurt real bad.i don't wanna hear about it,it's just annoying me...how come everyone is agianst me always..? why does it have to be like that? why should you people hate me? dahil ba magkaka-iba tayo ng mga interests??? bakit nga ba porki "weird" ang tao,you're gonna laugh at them...? what,are you stupid? can't you understand..? or you're just ignorant??? i don't wanna mention names.

MAR.1
everybody's teasing me "pre,may boyfriend na si MiA,ano na gagawin mo??" and?? do you think i care??? do you think IF i courted MiA,will it work out as planned??? stop it,don'tyou know you're too irritating,but still...MiA,taken?? ohh man...

they had an "English fest" earlier at school,i was completely bummed out.. just sharing it to you people...but still i'm feeling LONELY...

shall we dance?

2005-02-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

yesterday was our Junior-Senior promenade,as always we are asked to come there(just juniors and seniors...)anyway, a lot of students went there,at jade valley...near EDSA..(yey! formal attire!) anyway,i went there to join my "classmates" as we waited for the escorters to point where will our place be...anyway,we(Juniors and seniors) were in one room,the dance hall... there took part most of the programs there... as for me,i didn't really care much because first of all,i don't have a partner to dance with.. and all i did was just sit there,until i made up my mind to dance,since it'll be a part of our schoolyears for 2 times,i didn't really enjoyed it much,because that single person i wanna dance with already danced with another person(i went there and saw them dancing..for so long..) just then i realized,it's really hard to expect much to people that really don't like you...let it be a lesson,oh yeah...i danced too! i asked "MiA" because she's the only girl that's "mapagbigay",not like the others that only wanna dance with people with good looks!(matamaan na matamaan dyan!) yes,that single 5minutes me and "MiA" dancing were the best minutes of my life,even though nabitin ako,it gave me a little smile on my face... kasi meron din palang ibang tao na nakakatanggap sa akin,even if i'm far more different than those people in the "community that demands perfection,the one's different are out of the circle" she still gave me the chance to have that 5minutes spent just for 1 memorable event of these people's lives.... grabe,MiA was really great,she's quite simple...yet so beautiful,in a different way... wala nang pakialamanan,the one i love(that doesn't love me back),isa lang ang masasabi ko dun....ASA PA AKO SA KANYA!!!!

the promenade was great...though i never really had that chance to say to her what i feel...damn it.... to "MiA,thanks for the dance..."

bitter hatred...

2005-02-18T06:22:00.000-08:00

Bitternessand hatred is coming on strong
People fight over the color of one's skin,one's sexual preferance,what ever else that
can be found wrong
Who picks what race they are?If they are gay or straight,
Ignorance is Bliss,
Ignorance is a mind led astray
Bring it home!
Did you pick what color your skin is?
If you did tell me how so i can change mine blue
So when people call me a smirf it's totally true!
Did you pick how thin you are?
How tall you are?
Don't tell me you're perfect,
Why do people hurt others,
Insecure,one word
have no pride
Not enough attention
Whatever the case may be
Put yourself in their shoes
Believe it or not,i am a bully of bullies
Stand up for what you believe in,don't go with the crowd
you really think five guys to one is fair?
I didn't, it was all over a shirt
Oh you have more money than me?
Does that make you any better?
Does that make a say your a bunch of bull?
I work for everything i own
Parents buy your car,gas,insurance, close?
Good luck in the real world
you may think you're better than someone
But if you torment someone for race,sexual preferance,being too fat,too thin,poor or whatever the fuck it may be
Just know one person is better than you
Why?
They don't have to bully someone for anyof these reasons to feel higher or betterabout themselves
Next time you lay a hand on someone for any of these reason
Know that karma is a pain and it will hurt
Next time you're an ass to someone and have a chance to say you're sorry and don't you're weak!
That person is better than you
Even if they're emotion take over it means they have a big heart
You sit and read this,i have a smirk on my face the closest to a smile for days
You wonder is this about you?

fuck you! you're not worth my time...!

not worth my time

2005-02-17T01:21:00.000-08:00

Leave me alone! you're not worth my time...
you're just a shadow that's tempting me...
i thought you were true...
but you're just perjuring yourself...
now's the time to move on,be myself
without your help
because you're just not worth my time...
yes,you're not worth my time...
now i have plenty of time to collect myself
without your help
you're just too slow
all you do is just perfolate my heart with hate even more...
shut up! don't say anything,your mind isn't so perspicuous,
you're just speaking nonsense...
so shut up!
don't waste my time...
because you're not worth it...

Leave me alone.

2005-02-15T02:54:00.000-08:00

yesterday was feb.14,valentine's day...well,what the hell,i don't give a damn about this fucking day EVER!!! ever since that fatefull day(june 13) yes,that's it?! i still remember it,damn why does it have to end lke that? my world came crumbling down,just that. well it was the past,but still it's very painful... NOW, i can say everything i want because nobody can stop me?!!! yesterday wasn't so different at all,just my fucking miserable life..every couples in our room,they greeted themselves a fucking valentine's day,all day non-stop they were just talking about LOVE,it's very annoying.. i just thank krizia for remembering me,though i'm really non-existent in this fucked up world...thanks again,and yes. istreyndyer,what's he does..well,he's very good at it,and he's just 5 flat.. di ko na papatulan yun,they might think of it as child abuse..anyway,life was'nt so good,really..(i'm always blabbering about this),Life for me,just trash..you see,nobody likes me,everybody hates me..so what's the use of living,just because i'm different.i'm telling you now,specially you "istreyndyer" Leave me alone! don't mess with me,i'm much worse than the devil right now,i'm in no mood to listen to all your trash talk. damn you,if i saw you,i PROMISE!!! i'll kill you... well,this is life.. when they want you,be glad..when they hate you(justlike me) don't live!!!

wanted:friend/s for hire...

2005-02-05T01:44:00.000-08:00

WANTED!!!

i need a true friend?!!! i'm looking for a great one,my last one got expired(i think she's mad or something...),i'm just obeying what she said,that i should find ways to work out something,so now...i'm trying to look for one so i won't feel very lonely and sad....

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED...
contact/text me at 09154031651,my name is pauLo...

don't worry,i don't eat people......

PS...

one more thing,i'm not looking for a friend that's against my principles...(hip hops are not allowed...just goths,rockers and metalheads,weird people,poetic and loners are welcome...)

once again,it's
09154031651,my name is pauLo...i'm 15 years old...i'm friendly,for goths only...(females are sooo welcome here?!!!)

a bummed out day and a new friend...

2005-01-29T02:35:00.000-08:00

what a boring and bummed out day it is today... yesterday was my mother's birthday,and they are celebrating it today... of course,the WORK.. i have to run errands and stuff,i really hate it?! damn that?! they made me sweep the room...(i really hate sweeping the room,i have to clean under the bed,full of dust and everything...) good thing i have a vacant time,so i decided to rent a computer,and well...just do what i almost do,chat and this. make an entry in my blog...

i made a new friend today,her name is Meggy(that's what people call her...).meggy is,well,she's goth too?!!! Meggy is a writer,a photographer,web designer and a computer-geek...the good thing is,she's a gothic lolita...

just another day in a miserable life...

2005-01-27T23:18:00.000-08:00

ohh,it's just another day... after 4 days without money,and time... today just just...well, a day... toaday wasn't much very interesting(when will it ever be..?) walang pinagkaka-abalahan ngayon,walang magawa sa bahay,kundi matulog matulog at matulog.. yesterday was alot different than the other day...dinemonyo yung teacher namin sa Christian Ethics,haha! i was really laughing at that time,because of his "probinsyano accent",my so called classmates were really laughing as in LAUGHING,sa maikling sandali na yun,nagkasundo-sundo kami ng ginusto.. but still,i still hate them.. today,i'm not myself lately,i think something is wrong with me or some sort.. a lot of things didn't click to me today,what's happening..? LIFE..? is this what they call LIFE??? well all i can say is FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

Life is a big illusion, mocking and taunting with hope,with hope there really is not, with hope that's just there to tease...

well,it's a line in my poem "fate", i really believe that life is a big illusion...they mock and taunt people with hope,they say don't lose hope when we're really in times of doubt and misery,well the word hope is just used to brainwash to psychologically help them,there is really no HOPE,hope is,well... just there to tease...

Nothing matters, because you are there to die, nothing more than that,life offers only one escape, death, I choose it, it is my fate, alone...

this is another line in my poem "fate"(first off...why am i putting the lines of my poems here?) i put some lines of my poems here,parang reflection eh,it just hit me... nothing really matters,we're all gonna die eventually,nothing more than that,nobody's an immortal,just death... that's why death is the beginning of all. because when we die(in christian beliefs) there will be the jusgement whether you go to heaven of hell.. do you believe in things like that??? oh please... i just don't wanna disscuss any of these...

i just wanna say one more thing:

I hate
I hate you more than everything else,
I hate you more than i hate myself,
I despise most everything in this world but,
You're the one to which it unfurls.
You used me abused me,
Banged up and bruised me,
Denied me,
lied to me,
Satisfied then defied me.
Left me weak,
so to speak,
Your technique isn't so slick.
I bled for you,
pled for you,
Instead now
I dread you.

tranquility of the mind...

2005-01-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

Imagine Humanity's decline
Step inside my Stain of MindI
nfesting superiorityInfectious immorality
Come worship the place no truths are told
Praise the land where sins are sold
No passion no love your faith evades
Never see yourself again that way
Death becomes your bride
Lifelessness invades your eyes
In fire baptized
All pain sifts through my soul
You'll never feel greater misery
Master of my enemy
Let the purest Stain of Mind
Wash the virtue from your eyes
As one the collective unifies
Emanate a faithless shine
Forever creation has conceived
Birth of destruction spreads its wings oh yeah
Chaotic rebirth a new domain
Re-live the sight the sound the pain
Erotic the taste of agony
Adorn the scars of inhumanity
This is what you see
Deep inside of me
Agony is life
Lechery is life
Godlessness is life
Purgatory magnified
In fire baptized
All pain sifts through my soul
You'll never feel greater misery

once in my life,i've never felt so eased and comfortable in life,this day was so good to me,because for once...nothing made me feel the enmity inside...oh what a day it is today,i wish my life is always like this,so i won't be the "black sheep of the family" or the man in the island...

just lonely...

2005-01-22T04:41:00.000-08:00

oh well,my friend is mad at me.. and really,it was REALLY my fault..now that makes everybody that hates me,so much for the time i lived in this world...wel,this is life!! and i can't change it.. hope there's still time to fix this problem...i can't stand it that my friend hates me.. because she's the only friend i got,and i don't want her to be mad at me,i just can't accept the fact that she's mad at me...i just hope she still forgives me,i just wish so...

the arrival...

2005-01-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

finally,we're back in manila,ater 2days and 1night at norzagaray,bulacan... yes,i was kinda bored at the earlier part of the said recollection,but once you tried to listen to the facilitators,you'll probably get hit by what they are lecturing,and teaching.. we did a lot of things,oh yeah,i like the "wake services" activity,you're gonna imagine that you're dead,and try to visualize everything... i just vizualized that i died and i loved it... but the only thing that made me stop being so depressed was the session about your true friend,of course...it's kinda hard to relate at first,because my friend isn't my classmate,so they all did their things,while me..damn! a little bit of tear drops fell on my cheeks,i remembered my friend...i missed her so much that i can't stop my tears to fall from my eyes... it was then i realized that really "No man is an island",even though if you're weirder..there's still a "someone" that can relate on to you...just like my friend(krizia,thanks for being there when i needed you...),after that session,i just stepped out of the session hall,looked for a signal and texted her,telling her how much she meant to my f*cking miserable life...finally when we're about to go to sleep, i had the chance to read the letters that my classmates made(whoa,they just wasted their time writng a letter to me),but my sister's letter(madi) that made me cry and what she said in that letter really hit me hard,what she said was true...i don't wanna post it here,it's kinda personal. i can't really sleep at all because i was thinking of my relatives,and my friend..i was asking myself if they're fine right now.. and the only thing that kept bugging me was that on the "wake services" activity,one question popped out in my mind,will krizia visit my wake if i died..? i can't ask her now,probably because i still haven't gathered all my guts and confidence to aproach her... then after a long time thinking,for the first time agian,i prayed for the safety of everyone,including my friend (krizia) my relatives and family...(as you know,i don't really do that,i just pray only for krizia...but then i realized they also do love me,even if i just can't feel it yet...) in the morning,still more prayers.. and my "supposed to be enemy" the confession.. i had no choice but to give in,though i wanna change for the better,right? so anyway... i did confess,and prayed once more before we left,to the safety of my friend(krizia) and others...

"my mind goes blank
i have no fear"

the big recollection...?

2005-01-14T02:58:00.000-08:00

ohh i'm not excited,why should i? it's just a stupid recollection..and i will be joining my so called "classmates.." damn it,i don't want to be with them,specially they did something that will really close the friendship and trust..i thought they were my "friends",but they weren't!! the only friend i have cares for me,and she understands me the way i am today.. i vow never to be with them( or hang out with them) because i can't forget what they did.. t was just unacceptable... this monday,i won't be at my house,and i wont be online to my yahoo messenger... i won't be mobile too, or anything related to that... finally,some time that i can be alone...AGAIN! but i will miss my friend,even if we won't be able to stay in touch with each other for a day.. it makes me miss her more... *sigh* wish she could come.. this fucking recollection will do me no good...i will just still be "pauLo",and my heart will still be covered with angst and enmity...

i wish this recollection will help me come back to my normal self,but still this enmity will still remain in me...

"Feeling deprived,
Of what?
Nothing.
Wide eyed and beautiful,
I cry.
I see my world,
And it is crumbling
Around me.
To recreate an essence
Of life?
My soulIs full
Of atrophy.
But an infant,
Beginning to learn,
With new eyes,
I see."

covered with anger...

2005-01-13T01:43:00.000-08:00

damn them i want ALL my classmates to die!!! there's nothing left for them in this world,ican't take it anymore... they don't fit in this world,so why should they live.. di ko na na sila pinakikialaman,then they're trying to ruin my life...my life is already ruined,so don't make it much more worse... just live your OWN life,don't try to ruin the lives of others...ok? para di tayo magkagulo-gulo manahimik na lang kayo,don't tell such things on people you don't know,because you know...somebody might get angry with you...specially wha happened today.. i just don't wanna talk about it,i'm not in the mood...and someone might make gossips about it if i post it here.. so before anything else, i want to apologize to that someone that was the victim of the incident that happened earlier,don't mind them...they're just well,inhuman..

"never mess with people you don't know...
you'll never know what might happen to you"

killed with words..

2005-01-12T02:22:00.000-08:00

i'm here again,and this time,i have another reason why i should hate my life more...earlier today,the classroom was like a war of words..and words are their weapons,they killed me with words...all i can is hear were their voices,saying that i'm not fit in their room,what?! now,even classrooms are becoming slums of gangsters..? "Hey,get out of here,you don't belong here..." those very words i hear repeatedly..i can't do anything because im'm outnumbered,the only good i had done there was merely swat my classmate's hand,and that cellphone crashed down the floor. too bad it did not break.it just dismantled into pieces. i was so angry that i did'nt know what i did.. they just stopped because i was out of control( i wish at that time,i was holding a knife,so i would've stabbed them one by one.. after that incident,they wanted more..they kept pushing and pushing.. if i was in a state of being a "DeViL" i could fight back even if i'm outnumbered.. good for them they tried to stop it..because if they don't i might start a huge fight there. so yeah i was outnumbered..i just got out of the room and try to be at piece..returning to my silent state,then everything went back to normal...
now,i think ALMOST everyone in the world hates me,and i know for sure it's because they're afraid to accept me the way that i really am.. di nila matanggap na ganto talaga ako...

troubled mind...

2005-01-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

i cant make good decisions today,why..? my friend asked me if i have a partner for the "junior-senior promenade" this fucking event will happen this feb.24,and they are so busy for that..(damn,you still have 1month nad a couple more days to plan it,duh),i was completely bothered because i haven't asked anyone yet to be my fucking partner for the said event.. and my friend said (actual words) "why dont you ask your friend,krizia..? malay mo wala pang partner yun,and think,baka pumayag yun..!",then it started to bother me up until this time... i'm thinking,what if i ask her,would she refuse to? or probably she has a partner already..i'm sensing that her "paparappappap" already asked her,or i think if i ask her,she might get mad,and never talk to me again.. what should i do..? should i ask her..? what might happen,what if something bad happens,will she decide to be my partner if i ask her..? so many questions that are troubling my mind,i don't know what to do..? this is to "GOD" please help me on this one.. i really want her to be my partner..i'll put everything on the line just to make it happen...make me believe you really care?!

"Time is not a thing you lost
it is not a thing you ever had
it is what you live in..."

Enmity..?

2005-01-10T01:56:00.000-08:00

i'm back here again,still no reason to live,and no reason to be happy at all..i am still lonely here..and i still hate myself,but this is really me..this is my life,they say i should enjoy life,back to that again,how can i enjoy life if there's nothing enjoyable in it?!! i feel so bored today,earlier at the school,all i did was sit in one corner and stare at nothing,i was pretty sure that there wasn't anything interesting what happened in school earlier.. i was just,well...me! when will this fucking day change even just one bit..? bakit di ko makuha ang mga gusto ko?!! kahit isa lang?!! potah, i hate my life?! i know why i am like this..? am i born to be like this..? damn,almost everyday i get rejected from our class,they're just afraid to accept me as this.. i'll tell you what really happened,just earlier before the bell,i just sat down alone like i used to do everyday.. well,i sat there the whole day,and lamenting.. feeling the strong enmity that totally took over my body... they dont care that i wanna change,only krizia understands me.. the way they treat me as an outcast inside the room,it's like..i dont even exist.. finally 2 1/2months and ill be free,free to do whatever i want,i wont worry about those fucking classmates of mine,i dont need them...i dont give a damn if they hate me,i'll just hate them back... they wanna humiliate me,i humiliate them back...i just cant take everything they throw at me anymore..i have to do something about it,and it will be done...

"There's nothing good in Life...
so why are you still happy about it?"

"In Death I See Life
In Life I See Death
The Sweet Relief That I Long
The Hush Of Whispering wings
Have come to Take Me
Away, away "

Life is my bitch...

2005-01-09T01:38:00.000-08:00

im back again...with more reason to die... i hate my life more and more each day...damn,why should i live if nobody likes me..? once again,im feeling lonely here,the only thing that makes me happy is this launchcastradio of my ym acct.. ok,yesterday i left my friends because i was in no mood,plus my father was mad just because of my little brother...so,my father shouted at me,he said he(my brother) should be inside the room,not me...but he ordered me to clean that fucking room of theirs.. so i went outside to take a walk,just to reduce my anger... i went to my friends,but they?!! pinag-tripan nila ako?!,and they know i was in no mood,i told them what happened,and yet they still did not listen.. so i went home again..i went inside,my mother's uncle took a visit and saw me... he approached me, and i never spoke a word... gusto ko na nga lumayas dun sa amin,pero wala akong matutuluyan...i think they really dont understand me.. good thing our "Recollection" is near,hmm...next week.. finally 2 days and 1 night without my parents annoying me...and my little brother,i know he'll be happy,i know it... wala ako sa bahay eh,masosolo nya yun putang inang kwarto na yun?!.. good thing i still have sanity not to commit suicide..because i really hate what i am today..? they say i am an outcast,and i think i really am...they like to hate me,they reject me...

" My world is cold and quiet...
i love it that way "

Nothing much....

2005-01-07T23:48:00.000-08:00

finally, i managed to open my blog again?!!! yes,but still i need to do some MORE work...too bad,my sister can't help me,bacause she's busy too,updating her website...well anyway,the past week (for me),well...i hate it,i was right... that i hate the world even more as the days move on.. still i haven't found my blackragdoll yet,and i grow more and more feeling like an outcast... as every day passes by,i grow more and more lonely.. i dont know why.. good thing my friend(krizia...) and my sister(just call her Rilkean) are here to help me.. maybe it started when....oh forget it..as i was saying,my friend gave me a testimonial at my friendster account,i was really touched,she really know me that well...it makes me wanna live a little longer...(labo ata nun ah?!) let's talk about my fucking week,well.. actually,it was 2004...so here it goes...i really felt very sad(maybe it started the first day of december),i wasn't talking to anyone on that day,until now.. the only persons i talked to was my only friend krizia,well...i was alone,at the corridor of our classroom,i was staring at the ground(probably because our classroom is located at the 3rd floor) i was thinking "why should i live? this life isn't so good after all,it does not have anything good,and precious..." then my classmate came to me,and asked why am i always alone..well,i don't have a choice,but to answer back...i said to him that i'm unwanted and rejected,that's why i'm always alone... he said,i was weird...yes i am weird...but far more normal than them...they were "hiphop" ( i call them itsumos,they just dont know what they're up to) well,i answered him angrily,i really hate them at all..also,i went down because all my classmates were "itsumos" so i went down the auditorium,damn the school is invaded with itsumos,and hopefully,i found a spot,and there i sat and waited for the bell to ring.. it's a routine that i always alone,my day is not complete when i am not alone..what's so interesting in life anyway..? and as the sun finally sets,i went to my room,and i just sat there,and i made a new one ,and i call it "blank"

Blank
It all piles up
Sadness, pain
Hunger for love
Fed by hate
Surrounded by corpses
Physically alive
Their souls are dead
Sheep followers
The norms
They will live their lives
Be happy Have a family
And have a car, a house
Lots of money
But when they get to the end
And ask them selves
What have I accomplished?
Their minds will be black
Clean slate
A canvas doomed to stay
blank

what a boring week is'nt it... well last christmas,i was'nt happy too,well when will i ever be..? the whole evening i was alone.. wasting my time..and i took a walk outside,i went to krizia's house to give her my gift,and 12 o'clock came.. everybody greeted everyone a merry x-mas,except for me..what's so merry about christas..? but still i greeted everyone,and went to sleep..............

what's so good about life anyway.. we'll just all gonna die anyway...

just poetry...

2005-01-04T02:56:00.000-08:00

NOTE: The following writings or poetries were actually made by me...so dont you copy and say that YOU actually made it..it's totally annoying

unwanted
the days are cold and unsteady
it's dark and foggy as never before.
the shadow around tickle your neck to make you belive they are there.
you can't see them but you know their there
you call for them but the don't answer.
you are left in the dark with all you fear
it gives you a rush that makes you swear.
the days are cold and unsteady
no more shadows around
you are left alone for more than you can bare.
you are now unwaited like the rest of us
so don't be scared.
unwaited!

fate
I'm looking to the sky full of stars,
like little sparks,sky so full of light and yet so dark,
so cold, cold as inside me,just freezing, no true sign of life,
only blackness, death...
World crumbling down around me,
falling, everything,world so full of pain,
so full of tears, tears drowning reality,
just killing, nothing to offer me, only death and oblivion...
Life is just biggest illusion, mocking and taunting with hope,
with hope there really is not, with hope that's just there to tease...
Fate is that, to waste whole life, to burn when stars burn,be consumed by life,
be dead, loose it all and cry in vain...
I see no reason for anything, dying inside,
freezing,shedding tears, crying in darkness, coldness, all alone...
Nothing matters, because you are there to die,
nothing more than that,life offers only one escape, death, I choose it, it is my fate, alone...